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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24444874">Guest Host</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornyourdress/pseuds/tornyourdress'>tornyourdress</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Black Books (TV), Have I Got News For You RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, Crossover, Gen, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:48:11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>590</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24444874</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornyourdress/pseuds/tornyourdress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After the success of his novel, Bernard Black is invited to be a guest host on a topical news quiz.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ian Hislop/Paul Merton</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Guest Host</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>From spring 2005.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“They want you to host the show?” Fran asked, puzzled. </p><p>Bernard nodded, pouring himself another glass of wine. “I told you great things would happen once my novel was published.”</p><p>“Actually you said that the bastards in the press would hound you mercilessly and never give you a moment’s peace,” Fran reminded him.</p><p>Bernard waved his hand around angrily. “Must you focus on the petty details! This is my moment of glory!”</p><p>“It’s a topical news quiz, Bernard.”</p><p>“What’s your point?”</p><p>“You haven’t read a newspaper since 1995.”</p><p>“You always have to spoil everything,” Bernard said.</p><p>***</p><p>They put make-up on him. They made him wear a suit. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, they sat him in front of an autocue for an hour and made him read. Read ridiculous rubbish about politicians having sex with donkeys and the like. And why did they keep talking about some vampire called Michael? As if he cared about these sorts of things. It was completely beneath him, Bernard decided. </p><p>And to top it all off, afterwards he was expected to be <i>nice</i> to the bloody team captain people. That bald eejit who kept grinning like a lunatic and the other one with the shirt that hurt Bernard’s eyes. They took him out for a drink, which was the sort of thing Bernard approved of, except that drinking with them was nothing like drinking with Fran because instead of being told woeful tales, he found that the men flirting with him. </p><p>Bernard was not gay. All right, so the critics had found his novel to have vaguely homoerotic content, something about the relationship between the hero and his hapless servant, but it wasn’t as though it was autobiographical. The sexual tension between Brendan and Danny bore only the slightest resemblance to any situation in his real life. He was quite offended that these men seemed to think he was actually gay.</p><p>But they were paying for the wine, and the neon polka-dot shirt really wasn’t that bad once you got used to it, he decided, and a little under-the-table groping never hurt anyone.</p><p>***</p><p>“How was it?” Fran asked when he stumbled into the shop the following morning. </p><p>“It was great,” he said truthfully. What he could remember of it, anyway. “I surpassed all the other guest hosts, they said. Paul and Ian said. I was their favourite because I” – he struggled to remember exactly what they’d said – “something to do with oranges, I think. Where’s the aspirin? Aspirin!” He looked around for Manny. </p><p>“I heard you were rubbish,” Fran said. </p><p>“Oh, you <i>heard.</i> Who did you <i>hear</i> this from?”</p><p>“One of my friends went to the recording,” she said, “and she said you were crap. I mean, it’s all right, Bernard, not everyone’s cut out to do television…”</p><p>“I wasn’t talking about the <i>recording</i>,” Bernard said scathingly. “Where’s the aspirin, why isn’t it here? Manny!” He looked around again. Manny emerged from the kitchen and tossed a packet in his direction, which fell to the floor. Bernard picked it up and swallowed several of the tablets.</p><p>“I’m going to bed,” he announced. “If anyone asks for me, tell them I’m – dead.”</p><p>Manny sighed wistfully. “It’s been a dream of mine to go on that show,” he confided in Fran. </p><p>“Really?”</p><p>“Yeah. I’d want to be on Ian’s team, I think. He’s like a teddy bear,” Manny said fondly.</p><p>“Maybe someday,” Fran said encouragingly, but Manny didn’t hear her. He was distracted by the trail of orange peel Bernard had left behind him.</p>
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